FUNERAL ETIQUETTE
The funeral is a ceremony of proven worth and value
for those who mourn. It provides an opportunity for
the survivors and others who share in the loss to
express their love, respect, grief and appreciation
for a life that has been lived. It permits facing
openly and realistically the crisis the death
presents. Through the funeral the bereaved take that
first step toward emotional adjustment to their
loss. This information has been prepared as a
convenient reference for modern funeral practices
and customs.
THE FUNERAL SERVICE
The type of service conducted for the deceased is
specified by the family. Funeral directors are
trained to assist families in arranging whatever
type of service they desire. The service, held
either at a place of worship or at the funeral home
with the deceased present, varies in ritual
according to denomination. The presence of friends
at this time is an acknowledgment of friendship and
support. It is helpful to friends and the community
to have an obituary notice published announcing the
death and type of service to be
held.
PRIVATE SERVICE...
This service is by invitation only and may be held
at a place of worship or a funeral home. Usually,
selected relatives and a few close
friends attend the funeral service. Often public
visitation is held, condolences are sent, and the
body is viewed.
MEMORIAL SERVICE...
A memorial service is a service without the body
present and can vary in ceremony and procedures
according to the community and religious
affiliations. Some families prefer public
visitations followed by a private or graveside
service with a memorial service later at the church
or funeral home.
PALLBEARERS...
Friends, relatives, church members or business
associates may be asked to serve as pallbearers. The
funeral director will secure pallbearers if
requested to do so by the family.
HONORARY PALLBEARERS...
When the deceased has been active in political,
business, church or civic circles, it may be
appropriate for the family to request close
associates of the deceased to serve as honorary
pallbearers. They do not actively carry the
casket.
EULOGY...
A eulogy may be given by a member of the family,
clergy, a close personal friend or a business
associate of the deceased. The eulogy is not to be
lengthy, but should offer praise and commendation
and reflect the life of the person who has
died.
DRESS...
Wearing colorful clothing is no longer inappropriate
for relatives and friends. Persons attending a
funeral should be dressed in good taste so as to
show dignity and respect for the family and the
occasion.
FUNERAL PROCESSION...
When the funeral ceremony and the burial are both
held within the local area, friends and relatives
may accompany the family to the cemetery. The
procession is formed at the funeral home or place of
worship. The funeral director can advise you of the
traffic regulations and procedures to follow while
driving in a funeral procession.
CONDOLENCES
The time of death is a very confusing time for
family members. No matter what your means of
expressing your sympathy, it is important to clearly
identify yourself to the family.
FLOWERS...
Sending a floral tribute is a very appropriate way
of expressing sympathy to the family of the
deceased. Flowers express a feeling of life and
beauty and offer much comfort to the family. A
floral tribute can either be sent to the funeral
home or the residence. If sent to the residence,
usually a planter or a small vase of flowers
indicating a person's continued sympathy for the
family is suggested. The florist places an
identification card on the floral tribute. At the
funeral home the cards are removed from the floral
tributes and given to the family so they may
acknowledge the tributes sent.
MASS CARDS...
Mass cards can be sent either by Catholic or
non-Catholic friends. The offering of prayers is a
valued expression of sympathy to a Catholic family.
A card indicating that a Mass for the deceased has
been arranged may be obtained from any Catholic
parish. In some areas it is possible to obtain Mass
cards at the funeral home. The Mass offering card or
envelope is given to the family as an indication of
understanding, faith and compassion. Make sure that
your name and address is legible and that you list
your postal code. This will make it easier for the
family to acknowledge your gift.
MEMORIAL DONATIONS...
A memorial contribution, to a specific cause or
charity, can be appreciated as flowers. A large
number of memorial funds are available, however the
family may have expressed a preference. Memorial
donations provide financial support for various
projects. If recognized as a charitable institution,
some gifts may be deductible for tax purposes. Your
funeral director is familiar with them and can
explain each option, as well as furnish the donor
with "In Memoriam" cards, which are given to the
family.
SYMPATHY CARDS...
Sending a card of sympathy, even if you are only an
acquaintance, is appropriate. It means so much to
the family members to know they are in good
thoughts. The card should be in good taste and in
keeping with your relationship to the family of the
deceased.
PERSONAL NOTE...
A personal note of sympathy is very meaningful.
Express yourself openly and sincerely. An expression
such as "I'm sorry to learn of your personal loss"
is welcomed by the family and can be kept with other
messages.
TELEPHONE CALL...
Speaking to a family member gives you an opportunity
to offer your services and make them feel you really
care. If they wish to discuss their recent loss,
don't hesitate to talk to the person about the
deceased. Be a good listener. Sending a telegram
expressing your sympathy is also appropriate.
VISITATION...
Your presence at the visitation demonstrates that
although someone has died, friends still remain.
Your presence is an eloquent statement that you
care.
Visitation provides a time and place for friends to
offer their expression of sorrow and sympathy,
rather than awkwardly approaching the subject at the
office, supermarket or social activities. The
obituary/death notice will designate the hours of
visitation when the family will be present and will
also designate the times when special services such
as lodge services or prayer services may be held.
Persons may call at the funeral home at any time
during suggested hours of the day or evening to pay
respects, even though the family is not present.
Friends and relatives are requested to sign the
register book. A person's full name should be
listed, e.g. "Mrs. Jane Doe". If the person is a
business associate, it is proper to list their
affiliation as the family may not be familiar with
their relationship to the deceased.
Friends should use their own judgment on how long
they should remain at the funeral home or place of
visitation. If they feel their presence is needed,
they should offer to stay.
When the funeral service is over, the survivors
often feel very alone in dealing with their
feelings. It is important that they know you are
still there. Keep in touch.
SYMPATHY EXPRESSIONS...
When a person calls at the funeral home, sympathy
can be expressed by clasping hands, an embrace, or a
simple statement of condolence, such as:
"I'm sorry."The family member in return may say:
"My sympathy to you."
"It was good to know John."
"John was a fine person and a friend of mine. He will be missed."
"My sympathy to your mother."
"Thanks for coming."Encourage the bereaved to express their feelings and thoughts, but don't overwhelm them.
"John talked about you often."
"I didn't realize so many people cared."
"Come see me when you can."
"Thank you for the beautiful roses. The arrangement was lovely.In some communities it is a practice to insert a public thank you in the newspaper. The funeral director can assist you with this.
"The food you sent was so enjoyed by our family. Your kindness is deeply appreciated."